My experience with molestation and how it led to confusion

In 1977 Jeffrey Gundlach, the founder of DoubleLine Capital, surveyed 225 lesbian and 233 heterosexual women, and found that 30% of the heterosexual women and 21% of the lesbians had been raped. Of the 30 women who had been raped before the age of 14, 26 had an adult homosexual orientation while 9 had an adult heterosexual orientation. In addition, sixteen of the 17 girls, age 4 to 16, molested or seduced by a relative or close family friend are lesbians as adults. The subjects' attitudes about the incident were highly determined by parental reaction. This is extremely heartbreaking and most women suffers through this in silence.

At the age of 8 after my parents got divorced, I was no longer the same. Not only was my innocence taken away, but my family split up with no one asking me how I felt about it. Few months afterwards, my father got remarried without introducing me to her nor telling me he was getting married. On the day of his wedding, that's when I found out through one of my cousins who was one of the bridesmaids that he was getting married. All of that only added more insecurities. I felt unwanted, replaced and unloved.

After my 8th grade year, I was sent away to Maryland from Florida for negative behavioral expression - attitude. My mom, being a single mother, felt like she couldn't take it anymore. While in Maryland, during my freshman year of high school, I figured maybe being a lesbian would be the best route for me. Sure enough, I tested the waters and began dating girls. Even in that, I wasn't comfortable and still had a void in me. My aunt, who I was living with, found out and she tried her best to help, but in her trying to "help," she didn't realize she was judgmental above all, so it was difficult to take any of her advice into consideration. After just two years of being in Maryland I was sent back to Florida after my 10th grade year. Upon my return, I bumped into an old middle school friend who introduced me to the first girl I would date here in FL. All I could remember echoing in my head was her always telling me "Wolkenzye you're not gay." I would argue with her in process of convincing myself that I was.

I knew I was still drawn to men. I also knew that dating women was an abomination in the eyes of God. In the book of Genesis, God created Adam and Eve (man and woman). I knew I wanted a family one day. I knew one day I would want to make right everything my parents did wrong with me through my kids. I was very much aware of what I wanted in the future and understood that a woman could never give me that. I wanted my kids to have a father and not a woman playing the role of a dad. Unfortunately, in the midst of all that I “knew” I also wanted to prove to God that I could do this thing called “life” without him (as if that were possible) since He seemed to not be there at a time like this. So I rebelled, but I always knew what I was doing was not of God. I knew my parents would disown me, my family would turn their backs on me and no one would understand. So my relationship with women was something I kept to myself and never made known.

Not long after I began dating a girl, I left her for the first guy that I thought I would marry. Sadly, the relationship with him didn't last long either. While I was with him, but like most relationships we were sexually active. Surprisingly for him we were too active (most guys wouldn't complain), so that relationship came to an end. Sure enough, I went BACK to dating a female.

The last woman I dated helped me realize that this wasn't me. It wasn't anything specific she did. I guess you can say I had an epiphany. I started thinking about my future. I now wanted to so badly prove everyone wrong about the perspective they had of me. I just didn't understand why nothing was working. If I dated men, I was ashamed. If I dated women, I was still ashamed. At times, I would wish to get really sick and just die and other times I would be busy crying myself to sleep at night. I questioned, what kind of God would allow me to go through this internal fight alone. Allow me to not only misunderstand myself, but be easily misunderstood by my peers and even my family. Allow me not to embrace the very skin He breathed His breath into to give me life. The only thing that stopped me from completely killing myself, was the knowledge that I would go straight to hell. The funny thing is, the only reason why I didn't want to go to hell is cause I wanted to meet God and give him a piece of my mind. Lol.

You see, all this commotion in this adventurous life of mine began with one seed (molestation) planted in my youth.

I decided to give God a try and went back to church. Slowly I started finding pieces of me but was still in need of deep deliverance. I started reading the Bible to see what the word of God was saying about me. I knew that if he is the one who created me, then I needed him to figure out what was wrong with me and fix it. I started going to church faithfully, yet and still the void was not being filled. I secretly started to cry out to God at night when I knew no one was listening. My wants for a family, kids and a better life motivated me to leave that lifestyle. I started to want better for myself the more I sought God for help. Leaving that lifestyle wasn't hard because I was never sold out on it. It was more like something I wanted to help me cope with the internal pain that I faced daily. So I made the decision, not for me but for my future to leave this lifestyle for good and start my healing process.