The Path of Self Discovery
At the age of 24, I moved to Orlando after going through one of the most humiliating seasons of my life. It was in Orlando that it was pivotal for me to find out who I was, so I embarked on this journey that I promote now on Instagram which I call Self Discovery. Living in Orlando was one of the best things that could have happened to me in my lifetime because I nurtured my relationship with God. I had plenty of alone time to reflect, to love on myself, to cry and to receive the deliverance I needed behind closed doors. This sparked up a memory in my mind of how my relationship with God was created. I was new to ministry, I was new to the teachings of who God is and I had zeal beyond my years and after every service I would go home and enter my closet (literally) and I would pray, fast, read my bible, and worship. It was in that closet that I encountered the supernatural for the first time such as, hearing from God, speaking in tongues, and feeling God.
Orlando brought that feeling back to me in so many ways. For about three months, I had to face who was looking back at me in the mirror and make the conscious decision to accept what I saw and not alter, or change what I saw and embrace myself. Which was one of the hardest places for me to be, because I was a woman who did not know how to express herself. Who continued to seek approval from people, especially men and who victimized every situation I was involved in until I realized the people who I claimed to “love” I was blindly hurting the most and that was when I reached my breaking point.
I stayed in Orlando for about a year and the break down and build up that took place there was amazing. The months of learning who I was and meeting new people and rekindling old friendships was draining at times, but very rewarding. The new woman I became was more conscious now of her surroundings, of the words that came out of her mouth and even walking and speaking her truth. It was a transformation that I was enormously proud of, however, God told me I had to move back home to Fort Lauderdale and I cried like a baby, I told God, “No.” I told God there must be another way, but all odds were against me and I had to go back. By this time, I was 25 years old, I came back home, and you know the saying, “what you don’t know, won’t kill you.” Boy was that saying the truth, I found out so much about what people were saying about me within months of me coming back and the anger that sparked up within me was unbelievable, everything I learned about myself in Orlando pretty much went out the window and I felt broken again. Here I was this “new woman” I “claimed” to be and yet I reverted to victimizing myself. I cried wolf yet again, but this time there was no one there. It was like I was trying to prove to these people that I changed but it did not matter, I was still the same to them, all they saw was the damage and hurt that I caused and couldn’t see pass it. How could I blame them? I can now humbly say I was a person with such horrible attributes and I needed to get to the root of things. There was friendships that ended, there was trust that no longer lasted, I was greeted with loneliness the moment I drove pass “Entering Broward County.” I had to embrace everything and be okay with how things turned out whether I like it or not, because I needed to focus on me: my well-being, my sanity, and the way I thought about myself. Who I looked at in the mirror had to change internally for it to present itself externally. It became more evident to me day by day that I needed help once I moved back and that is where my spiritual parents came in and by the Grace of God, they helped bring me back to life. As broken as I was, they accepted me and with all the rough edges, they smoothed it out and helped me become who I am today.
Now that I have reached Chapter 26 of my life, I have a different perspective on life, I came to a realization that the approval that I was so eager to get from human beings my Father in Heaven already gave me, the love that I searched for in the bedroom with different men that still left me cold my Father in Heaven already gave me, and the smile that I desperately wanted others to give me my Father in Heaven gave to me every morning. That feeling of heaviness left me instantly, in the bible Jesus, says
Matthew 11:28-30 (NKJV)
28 Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. 29 Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am [a]gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For My yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
The peace that I have now from giving God all my burdens is amazing. I am the testament of, “peace that surpassing all understanding.” The path of self-discovery is not for the faint heart, you must be willing to face yourself in ways that you will not like, and you must be willing to accept being wrong and you must take accountability for your actions. Nowadays, when I talk about my past, and I say my testimony, I make a point to say I hold myself accountable for the places that I went, the people I dealt with and the things I entertained, and this is where growth comes, and maturity is met. I want to help other young adults, especially young women to understand themselves and their self-worth, so they do not fall into the same traps that I fell into, so they can still smile after that mistake. They can still find love after heartache, their past does not define them, and lastly, they can move forward no matter what. Every day that I wake up and I can breathe again tells me that no matter what battle any one of us face we can get back up again.