Joy of Neila : The Journey of Motherhood
I’ve always said that I wanted to get pregnant during my honeymoon and everyone thought I was joking, but I was indeed very serious. I really meant it and although it didn’t happen at that exact moment, finding out 2 months later that I was with child was good enough for me.
October 7th 2017, 9:45am “Baby, my friends believe I’m in labor because what I thought was regular pain is actually contractions and they are less than 15mins apart”
After 9 months of researching and reading, you would think I would know when I’m in labor right? Well I thought wrong! I had no clue. I thought the minor pain I was feeling was due to something I ate the night before. I even took a shower to relax my body and went right back to sleep. I slept until the pain was too frequent and sleep was no longer peaceful
Fast forward….. After failure to dilate pass 8cm with no epidural (sad face), my doctor said what I never wanted to hear. “Mommy, you haven’t had any progress since 2pm. At the rate you were dilating, we expected the baby’s head to be in the birth canal already and because you haven’t progressed, we have some concern. Either the baby’s head is too big or she is stuck. Right now, she is not in distress but we don’t want to push it to where it gets to that point. We may need to perform a Caesarean.” I burst into tears as soon as my doctor walked out. My husband embraced me and I just kept shaking my head NO NO NO, I want a natural birth, I don’t want a C-Section! I just kept crying because I felt like a failure. I felt like my body had one important job to do, ONE IMPORTANT JOB and that was to carry and deliver, and it failed to deliver. At that moment I felt so low, I felt I wasn’t woman enough to push my own baby. After the comfort of my husband, doctor, my dad and mother in law, my husband and I agreed to the C-Section.
October 8th 2017, 12:03am The arrival of my sweet baby Neila Saniyya St. Fleury. The joy I felt knowing that she was healthy is unexplainable. Ten fingers, ten toes, eyes, ears, nose, mouth, everything about her was perfect. Although I had so much joy seeing her and holding my baby, the mind battles were still there. I remember waking up the next day crying because I didn’t have her naturally like I wanted. Selfish right! Over the next couple days, baby girl was the hot topic. The compliments were coming left and right and every nurse was pleased with how well behave she was for a newborn. She slept, ate and barely cried.
Last day at the hospital and she goes for her final test, at that moment is when being a mother got extremely real to me. The nurse come back with her and said that her jaundice level was a little high but they are still releasing her because its normal due to the fact that she’s breastfed only. I responded okay and waited for her to leave to have my mini meltdown AGAIN! Listen I was an emotional wreck. At that moment, I just wanted the best for my baby and I felt like I was failing her already simply because I wasn’t too sure if my breast-milk fully came and I was unsure if she was getting enough to eat. I was already concerned about the amount of weight she lost and was just telling my husband that her eyes looked a little yellow, so to hear that just sent me over the edge a little. But as soon as my husband got back from the car, I burst into tears, snot and all and said “ I’m failing her already baby”. He calmed me down AGAIN and we spoke to the nurse and her doctor. After a couple of blood work and test, they ruled out jaundice and told me to make sure I go see her pediatrician in 2 days.
From the first day I took her home from the hospital to now, I must say everything thing was worth it and it has been a beautiful journey with my sweet baby girl. Driving home, I was thinking to myself like “Wow, we are responsible for a whole human. Everything we do from this day forward, we have to always consider this little person God blessed us with.” Being the oldest of 5, some things came naturally to me with caring for her and for my husband, it seems as if he was born to be a father. He just fell right into the role perfectly. It is engraved in our heart and mind that we must do the best for her, be the best us for me and always lead by example. The blessing that she is, she slept mostly through the night and woke up only twice at 2am and 5 am for her feedings. After 2 months, she would occasionally wake up at 5am for her feeding, so we had no trouble with sleep. My husband and I split it up since I stayed home with her, I did day shift and he would take over night shifts. But that soon changed when he went back to work because he needed rest so he would still wake up when she would cry just to bring her to the bed and place her on my breast. There were moments where she would cry and I just couldn’t pinpoint the cause, diaper would be dry, she would be fed but would still cry, and in those moments we cried together. We lived for the milestones she would reach before her time and celebrated every little thing she did. Every month she turned, we would celebrate by going to dinner with her and we took her everywhere with us. My husband and I refused to see our blessing as a burden and a reason to pause our lives as if she couldn’t be included. I love everything about motherhood and all that it has to offer. As we celebrate her one year, I can say without a doubt that my daughter saved my life. There were moments where I would randomly get extremely discourage with life and the words of my husband couldn’t reach me where I was but the sounds of her giggles did. There were moments were suicidal thoughts would try to accompany me but the thoughts of her would leave no room. I couldn’t imagine leaving her, not seeing her or smelling her scent. I could hear myself saying “it’s not fair to not give her a chance to know me as her mother because I took my own life.” With that I say God gave her to me as a strength to always look forward and to know and believe that I can and I will.
I honor being a mother to this brilliant active little girl. It’s a title I wear proudly. And not having a relationship with my mother pushes me daily as well to be for her what I needed growing up. To be the best person for her and the best mother to her. And although I am still writing my motherhood journey, I will always say that it’s one ride I fully enjoy being on.