My Personal Testimony
For years I struggled with fornication. Many of course deal with the same, but I was at a point in life where sex became my place of refuge, where I felt a sense of freedom. The thought of cutting myself came numerous times, but I knew it was something I wouldn't be comfortable with so the next best thing to help ease my internal pain was sex. Unfortunately I wasn't aware of the spiritual damage it would have caused in the long run, but I do recall my father telling me at a young age sex before marriage wasn't good. Where things went wrong is he would tell me this wasn't good, but he never went into detail to explain how it was detrimental both naturally and spiritually. The soul ties, the bondage, the connections that came would come along with this act. Though sex is what I resulted to in order to escape how I felt about myself, I still felt horrible by the end of it. I felt ashamed of myself and that guilt alone would drive me back to the very same place I ran to for "rescue," which was intimacy. So there was no escaping the very thing I knew wasn't good for me. Rather I continued in circles between pain and momentary relief of that pain. All I wanted at that time was someone who truly believed in me. I just wanted one person who would sincerely push me to be better. What I needed was to truly love myself, but because I didn't know how to do so, I went seeking for that love in all the wrong places. Everything I fell short in doing for myself, I went looking for, beginning with acceptance. Because this internal cry for help was never answered, I wanted to call it quits just to end this ongoing war within my members. What hurt the most was how I managed to fool people and myself by keeping on a smile and pretending everything was fine.
Isn’t it scarily amazing how one act can determine what transpires in ones future? At the young age of five, molestation and sexual harassment began in my life on which was the cause of this identity crisis and internal bleeding I was dealing with. I just couldn’t understand how someone could find it within them to harm a child; to take advantage of the innocent. I questioned how do they truly sleep with peace at night? Especially when their victim is a family member or close family friend? Even, after being married, it was difficult to remove the images, the playbacks in my mind. I may have been young, but there are things that seem to be impossible to forget once you’re at an age of some understanding. Sadly, this may have started at the age of five, but continued until I was ten. Through curiosity, I studied to see how many others deal with or have dealt with this very same thing. From a report on Violence Against Women based on data from the National Crime Victimization Survey: Statistic shows “acquaintance rape is much more prevalent than stranger rape. In a study published by the Department of Justice, 82% of the victims were raped by someone they knew (acquaintance/friend, intimate, relative) and 18% were raped by a stranger.” So I question, if it had such a negative impact on my life, how did these other victims overcome?
I personally grew up thinking what was taking place with me was a normal thing or this was just something I deserved. After the first two encounters, I became numb to all that was taking place. The older I got, the more I came to the painful realization that what seemed “normal” to be, was practically the worst thing that could have happened to a girl my age. From that day forth I had one mindset – trust no one. Truth is, I still have issues putting trust in people. That was a choice I subconsciously made, but consciously agreed as a result to all that transpired. All I knew is that I went through this tragic situation that caused me to feel as if I didn’t belong, causing me to always be in search of someone to tell me that I am beautiful or “sexy” in order to feel some type of confidence. I was judged as a person for my actions because people thought that this is just the way I was, when no one knew what was really happening. I allowed the wrong people to enter my life and fornication then became my validation card. When I got to college, I started modeling in order to feel good and gain confidence. Though I was good at what I did and enjoyed it, those insecurities never left.
There was a study conducted by the Department of Justice and the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, researchers interviewed 8,000 women and 8,000 men. Using a definition of rape that includes forced vaginal, oral, and anal intercourse, the survey found that 1 in 6 women had experienced an attempted rape or a completed rape. At the time they were raped:
22% were under the age of twelve
54% were under the age of eighteen
83% were under the age of twenty-five
To one person, these numbers would be a sense of relief because they’re not alone, but to me a burdened was place on my heart, which is why I am compelled to write today.
When I turned 21, I surrendered my life to God. I thought by doing that, everything would disappear. Little did I know that I had to still allow God to help me through the process in order for restoration to take place; getting married even, didn’t relieve me of those insecurities. No, I didn’t seek help from a therapist; but I sought help from God. I opened up to my husband and explained to him how I was still dealing with this. I started waking up daily and speaking life over my life and situation. I started telling myself that I am beautiful and that I was not what people thought of me. After years of fighting, I came to understand that I am a masterpiece that is being molded daily. I was athe person who kept everything bottled up on the inside; however, I began to open up and took a new path. I realized if I didn’t speak up, I would continue to give these people power over me. I got tired of people pulling my strings as one does a puppet. I got tired of believing the lies that they instilled in me as a young girl. I wanted to take that power back and sure enough, I did.
Sometimes, you think you are over something, but it only takes someone saying that ONE trigger word to remind you of a particular situation, causing you to lash out. If you are someone who has dealt with this and perhaps is still dealing with this, I urge you to please, forgive yourself and forgive that person. You are not forgiving them for them, but for you. No one is worth that bitterness, hurt and anger. Understand that no matter how much it hurts you, this person is going on with their lives. It is not an easy step and I’m aware of that. Nonetheless, you have to make the first step. Find someone to talk to and start taking control of your life today. The process maybe long, but it is worth it. It is worth believing that you are worth it, you are beautiful, and you are the Master’s piece. You are loved and no it’s not your fault. You didn’t deserve it. Don’t believe the lies formed due to this incident. You are not alone and no matter how ugly this has caused you to be, YOU ARE VICTORIOUS.